Some days, I wake up and can immediately do crazy things like standing up and getting myself some caffeine. My pain is below a 5 on the infamous pain scale, and I'm in a fairly good mood. I get. Shit. Done. I feel like I've got life under control; I can totally finish school, go back to work, become one of those inspirational individuals who write uplifting memoirs with pictures of blue skies on the cover. I'll be the girl at the TED talk, talking about how she overcame her messed up body, stayed positive, and impacted the entire universe, while maintaining her stylish and attractive appearance (and how you can too!!)
Other days, I wake up crying in pain. Usually if I've gotten any sleep, I was dreaming about being in pain. Jax helps me get and take the appropriate medicines, and I wallow in bitterness. I'm convinced I'll never again feel any better than I'm feeling. That the surgery and physical therapy didn't help and won't ever help. The list of things I've lost while my body has steadily declined circles round and round my mind, along with everything I've never accomplished.
Lately it's been leaning heavily to the depressive side. It'd probably be smart to try to find a happy medium: to know that I won't accomplish the things I wanted to before. That my life is going to be different now, but I can learn to work within these new limitations as figure out new goals. Unfortunately, my brain doesn't seem to function entirely on logic.
Other days, I wake up crying in pain. Usually if I've gotten any sleep, I was dreaming about being in pain. Jax helps me get and take the appropriate medicines, and I wallow in bitterness. I'm convinced I'll never again feel any better than I'm feeling. That the surgery and physical therapy didn't help and won't ever help. The list of things I've lost while my body has steadily declined circles round and round my mind, along with everything I've never accomplished.
Lately it's been leaning heavily to the depressive side. It'd probably be smart to try to find a happy medium: to know that I won't accomplish the things I wanted to before. That my life is going to be different now, but I can learn to work within these new limitations as figure out new goals. Unfortunately, my brain doesn't seem to function entirely on logic.
