"Writing About It"

   

     A huge, full moon is shining on the window of the 12'X12' room I share with Jax- who is snoring gently about a foot away from me. In the other bedroom, my dad and step mom are asleep. Sprinkled elsewhere about the trailer, the two cats are sleeping, probably. 

     I'm the only one awake, and to be honest, I'm pretty salty about it. I didn't get much sleep last right for the same reason I'm awake right now: PAIN. All capitals absolutey necessary. It's been not yet two months post surgery, and while the pain is much improved from the first two weeks, when I begged Jax to kill me, it's still bad enough that I occasionally still need help getting out of bed and to the bathroom. And let me just tell you, there's nothing as confidence-boosting and sexy as having to ask your spouse (in sickness and in health, mofo!) to help you pee like you're a toddler. Super fun.

     Nearly four years ago now, before my body decided to just say "fuck it" and fall apart, I would have laughed at the idea that I'd ever let Jax help me with the most basic and embarrassing of tasks. I still had things like pride and independence. Now I've watched myself go from dancing en pointe, to using a walker. I can't afford to be too vain or too proud for help. I wear my ugly back brace, use the walker, the cane, let someone hold my arm to steady me, whatever I must.

     And apparently, after a million repetitions, I listen to my spouse and friends when they tell me (again and again) "You should really write about this, Tuesday!" Why would I want to write about the pain in the ass (sometimes literally) situations the past four years have put me through? It seems....potentially upsetting.

     At the same time, I don't have anything else going for me right now. I had to drop out half way through the semester to get back surgery. I spend much more time stuck in bed trying to distract myself from pain. Lost my job a couple years ago. Aside from piddling uselessly around the internet, or reading until my eyes burn, what else am I gonna do?

     Apparently, I'm gonna dredge up this whole messed up spine journey. Are you happy Jax?! Z?! (They probably actually are...they're supportive like that.)